Read People Like a Book

I recently bought another psychology book at the bookstore. As I read it, I thought of myself, and the people I interact with daily and how some principles do or do not apply to me and them.

Introduction

We can’t truly know another person, it’s like a black box – we can only form understanding based on observed behavior. We construct models (“Theory of mind”) to think about other people’s cognitive/emotional realities, and the more data we feed those models (and the more fluid they are), the deeper the understanding.

How is the behavior you’re witnessing triggered by particular events, the behavior of others, or even as a response to you yourself?

We need to do regular reality checks (e.g. confirmation bias, our expectations, values, etc.) when assessing others. Context also matters – e.g. Freudian slip because of a juicy secret or are they just tired? This is why we need to consider assessing the person as a whole (eyes, face, body movements/posture, tone of voice, content (what, why)), not just their facial expression, or a single event. Besides that, knowing a person’s baseline can help us form a stronger understanding of them (avoid eye contact in general vs in a single event).

Chapter 1

Motivation is the root of all behaviors in humans – understanding what motivates them will help us understand them better.

To understand others, one must understand oneself (what are our biases, and expectations) to see things more objectively.

Our “shadow” – things we avoid/disown such as fear, rage, etc. – can help us understand ourselves, and integrating those things can make us more authentic. In doing this, we not only gain a deeper understanding of ourselves but also of other people – e.g. what have they disowned/suppressed in the past, etc. – and this inevitably leads to being more compassionate. For example: a narcissistic person who has a shadow filled with self-hate – instead of naturally reacting negatively against them (which will further strengthen the shadow), we can adjust our behavior, communication style, etc.

Shadow projection is when a person unconsciously attributes his own shadow traits to another person.

There are also collective (group) shadows.

Becoming better students of the human nature:

In the Jungian spirit, the most helpful and healing attitude to adopt when it comes to the shadow is one of love and acceptance. Be curious but be kind. Your goal in identifying someone’s (possible) shadow is not to catch them out, to get a one up on them, or to figure out a button you can push for your own gain. Instead, it’s about seeing wholes in a world that is often split, broken, divided, and unconscious. If you can see the shadow in someone else, it’s also an invitation to look honestly inside ourselves.
[…]
A great way to consider yours and the other person’s shadow is to watch what feelings their behavior triggers in you. […] This person, in insulting you this way, has told you something very important about themselves, if you know how to listen.

Our inner child still lives. After all, we learned rules/constraints during childhood and that’s when the shadow was formed.

Engage in a playful dialogue with your inner child, journal, draw and paint, and get into the mindset of a compassionate adult who then “re-parents” the younger version of yourself, giving yourself everything you needed back then but didn’t receive.

Many behavioral traits are a result of our unconscious inner child needs.

A good indication that you’re dealing with someone who is wholly identified with their child self is that you feel yourself positioned as a “parent.” When we are adults, we are expected to take responsibility, show self-restraint, and behave with reason and respect for others. But a person in child mode may be (psychologically speaking) a child, which pushes you to respond as a parent would, i.e., with soothing, reprimanding, or taking responsibility for them.

Significant motivation factor: pleasure over pain – next time you meet someone, you can ask yourself what kind of pleasure (id: unfiltered natural drives, desire) are they getting (and what pain they avoid) by the actions they’re doing. Feelings overshadow rational thought.

People work harder to avoid pain than to get pleasure.

Our perceptions of pleasure and pain are more powerful drivers than the actual things.

When communicating, rephrasing “painfully” perceived statements to “pleasure” perceived ones can help achieve one’s goal. And even though the pleasure principle is a big motivation factor, survival overrides everything. The other thing is, the pleasure principle doesn’t always apply – people exercise discipline, self-control, etc.

Maslow’s pyramid of needs: physiological fulfillment -> safety -> love, belonging -> self-esteem -> self-actualization.

The ego defense mechanisms (psychological shields) is another big motivation. They are a powerful predictor of behavior and can teach us why people do what they do.

The ego’s instinct to protect itself can be reality-bending and can cause mass intellectual dishonesty and self-deception. As such, this is another highly predictable indicator we can use to analyze people’s behavior. […] Instead of accepting being wrong as a teachable moment or lesson, our first instinct is to run from our shame and cower in the corner.

When the ego feels threatened, it seeks to alleviate discomfort in the quickest way possible and this is where intellectual dishonesty thrives. It is not our intention to do this to ourselves, it happens unconsciously.

So if you’re struggling to understand someone who doesn’t appear to be able to utter the words “I’m wrong,” now you know exactly what’s going on in their head.

The mechanisms that build up the intellectual dishonesty, throwing reality and truth away:

Denial – what is true is claimed to be false
Rationalization – explaining things away (never having to face failure, rejection, negativity, it’s always someone else’s fault)
Repression – pushing thought/feeling so far out of the consciousness to “forget” it
Displacement – redirecting negativity onto others, especially when to the ego it’s unacceptable where a negativity comes from (action based, avoids conflict with source)
Projection – attributing one’s own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or impulses to someone else (thought based, avoids self-awareness)
Reaction formation: Denial + the exact opposite is the case
Regression – revert to early stages of development
Sublimation – unacceptable impulses/desires are transformed into acceptable/constructive behaviors

Chapter 2

People can say whatever, but actions matter more than words – as a consequence, body language does, too. The body doesn’t lie. But remember that context matters, and a single event may not be sufficient to conclude something. Holistic view is important.

According to Ekman, facial expressions are actually physiological reactions.

Microexpressions can be as quick as 0.03 to 1 seconds and are hard to fake, in contrast to macroexpressions.

Six universal emotions per Ekman:

Happiness (lifted cheeks, wrinkles under the eyes, etc.)
Sadness (corner of eyes droops down, eyebrows triangle shape)
Disgust (wrinkles in upper lip, wrinkles on forehead)
Anger (lower and tense eyebrows, tighten piercing eyes)
Fear (similar to anger but opposite direction)
Surprise (elevated eyebrows – rounded instead of triangular)

Beyond facial expressions, there’s also body language.

Navarro quickly came to appreciate how the human body was “a kind of billboard that advertised what a person was thinking.”

Body language is deep in our DNA – we evolved as non-verbal creatures initially.

Pacifying behavior: unconscious attempt to self-soothe in face of some perceived threat. Few examples:

Exhaling loudly can mean anxiety
A man covering their neck can mean they feel insecure, or a woman playing nervously with their necklace
Yawning as an unexpected stress release
Crossing arms as a way to say “back off” (or “waiting”), similarly how crossed legs can signal desire to protect the body
Wide/expansive gestures signal dominance
Feet point in the direction they unconsciously wish to go,

Someone might say something a little aggressive and another person responds by leaning back slightly, crossing the arms, and putting one hand up to the throat. Notice this in real-time and you can infer that this particular statement has aroused some fear and uncertainty.

Contracted vs relaxed state: relaxed/friendly people will not be contracted and will be more spontaneous.

The next time you meet someone new, lean in to shake their hand and then watch what they do with their entire body. If they “stand their ground” and stay where they are, they’re demonstrating comfort with the situation, you, and themselves. Taking a step back or turning the entire torso and feet to the side suggests that you may have gotten too close for their comfort. They may even take a step closer, signaling that they are happy with the contact and may even escalate it further. The general principle is pretty obvious: bodies expand when they are comfortable, happy, or dominant. They contract when unhappy, fearful, or threatened. Bodies move toward what they like and away from what they don’t like.

We’re not like gorillas beating chests, but traces of this primal behavior remain. We should open ourselves to the data from a channel we haven’t learned to be aware of.

Imagine you have no words at all to describe what you’re looking at; just observe.

Gather sufficient data before making a decision, knowing someone’s character baseline is key to understanding them – allows us to pay attention to deviations. Context is also important. Body language is just another tool in our toolset.

It’s not the gestures that tell you this person is concealing distress, but the fact that they’re incongruent with the words spoken.

Instead of just talking to the person talking to you, maintain situational awareness.

A lot can be understood about the power dynamics in a group by watching to see where energy flows. Who speaks the most? Who are people always speaking and how? Who always seems to take “center stage”?

In the same way that verbal information can vary in the way it’s communicated [how we talk, a lot/a little, clear, speed of delivery, etc], nonverbal information can vary too. […] Don’t be curious about “catching” a discreet gesture, but rather watch the flow of gestures as they change. For example, look at how a person walks. […] Become interested in how a person responds to others in conversation or their style of talking to those in positions of power. Once you start looking, you’ll be amazed at the wealth of information that’s just waiting there to be noticed.

Pay attention to how a person moves their body, their eyes, their face, the tone of their voice … and their whole personality in general, which will be discussed in Chapter 3.

The boundary between verbal and non-verbal, medium and message, is always a little blurred.

Body language as message cluster:

Aggressive – invasive actions aimed at dominating or confronting a target
Assertive – firm, balanced, and open, expressing confidence without aggression, combining clarity with calm strength
Submissive gestures make one appear smaller and non-threatening
Friendly gestures show openness and ease
Romantic gestures emphasize intimacy and connection, inviting closeness
Deceptive – reveals tension, marked by anxiety, closed gestures, distraction, and a visible effort to maintain control.

Chapter 3

Personality is a persistent pattern of behavior in the long term. Besides body language, it can also serve as a good predictor. If we know a person’s general behavior (baseline), we can get more precise when analyzing specific, contextual behavior. Even though these tests can feel stereotypical, they still provide deeper understanding.

Some well-known personality tests:

OCEAN: Conscientiousness (efficient/organized vs. extravagant/careless), Agreeableness (friendly/compassionate vs. critical/rational), Neuroticism (sensitive/nervous vs. resilient/confident), Openness to experience (inventive/curious/easily bored vs. consistent/cautious/routine), Extraversion (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved)
MBTI: Introversion (general attitude thought oriented, opp. Extraversion action oriented), Sensing (info is perceived from internal world, abstract opp. Intuition from external world, concrete), Thinking (how you process info, opp. Feeling), Judging (how you apply info, rule-following, control, opp. Perceiving)
Enneagram:

Role	Fixation	Idea	Trap	Fear	Desire	Temptation	Passion	Virtue
Reformer, Perfectionist	Resentment	Perfection	Perfection	Corruptness, imbalance, being bad	Goodness, integrity, balance	Hypocrisy, hypercriticism	Anger	Serenity
Helper, Giver	Flattery	Freedom, Will	Freedom	Being unlovable	To feel worthy of love	Deny own needs, manipulation	Pride	Humility
Achiever, Performer	Vanity	Hope, Law	Efficiency	Worthlessness	To feel valuable	Pushing self to always be “the best”	Deceit	Truthfulness
Individualist, Romantic	Melancholy	Origin	Authenticity	Having no identity or significance	To be uniquely themselves	To overuse imagination in search of self	Envy	Equanimity (Emotional Balance)
Investigator, Observer	Stinginess	Omniscience, Transparency	Observer	Helplessness, incapability, incompetence	Mastery, understanding	Replacing direct experience with concepts	Avarice	Detachment
Loyalist, Loyal Skeptic	Cowardice	Faith	Security	Being without support or guidance	To have support and guidance	Indecision, doubt, seeking reassurance	Fear	Courage
Enthusiast, Epicure	Planning	Plan, Work, Wisdom	Idealism	Being unfulfilled, trapped, deprived	To be satisfied and content	Thinking fulfillment is somewhere else	Gluttony	Sobriety
Challenger, Protector	Vengeance	Truth	Justice	Being controlled, harmed, violated	To gain influence and be self-sufficient	Thinking they are completely self-sufficient	Lust	Innocence
Peacemaker, Mediator	Indolence	Love	Seeker	Loss, fragmentation, separation	Wholeness, peace of mind	Avoiding conflicts, avoiding self-assertion	Sloth	Action

General process: understand the different test measurements, observe people, observe yourself (do metathinking often), and see where people could fit – you might get useful info, but be careful with miscategorizing people and making errors in judgment.

You could test your theory in the moment by adjusting your communication style and observing the results.

When you meet someone, try to see where they lie on the spectrum of these traits (e.g. introvert/extrovert), by keeping in mind their body language, behavior, and all contextual information available. See what they pay attention to, do they like to talk about facts/ideas or abstract plans, or do they talk about people and interpersonal relationships? Consider their general attitude towards life – are they relaxed or constantly planning and making decisions?

Interestingly, some other living creatures can also be characterized using the ideas above. For example, I was observing a stray cat the other day. Even though the cat had a visible injury (very likely as a result of its curiosity), it was still curious – so one may argue that is a core characteristic of that particular cat.

Chapter 4

Revealing lies is most precise when 1) you have a solid baseline of the person; 2) the person lying is spontaneous (didn’t prep); 3) there are consequences for the getting caught (the liar may be more nervous). But even in these cases it may be tricky, e.g., if we are able to spot nervousness easily, it may make the person more nervous just because we distrust them.

We could turn things around and look at it from the other angle—instead of asking how we can become better at spotting deception, can we understand why we get deceived in the first place? […] We can certainly look to ourselves and ask what aspects of our own personalities, beliefs or behaviors are allowing[/motivating] [people to] decept

If we are aware of our biases, expectations, and subconscious beliefs, we have a better chance of detecting lies.

An even bigger problem is that liars have access to all the same information as would-be lie detectors. If someone knows that touching their face often will be perceived with suspicion, they can simply take care not to do it.

In a conversation, we participate too. We can steer the discussion, ask (open-ended) questions (that can’t be answered with a simple yes/no), carefully follow what the person is saying, and push them (subtly – remain calm, do not appear like a detective) such that they will give you the information themselves. Your interaction should be strategic and proactive.

Good lie detection goes a lot further than spotting isolated behaviors.

Your ability to detect a lie will come down to the way you engage with the person telling the lie.

Initially, keep the input at minimum – the liar doesn’t know what you know and they have to convince you of a story.

Liars usually tell everything at once (since they’re well prepared); truth-tellers don’t, but can easily answer follow-up questions (even if it’s “I don’t know”).

People caught out in lying may get angry or shut down, whereas a person who is telling the truth may merely act a little confused, and will simply keep repeating the same story.

Putting oneself in a liar’s shoes can also reveal what liars would do. “Would you have been more expressive than them while recounting the same details?”

Hey, someone ate my lunch from the fridge! Mike, did you eat my stuff?
– Uh, what stuff is that?
You know, my lunch…
– Yeah, well, people in this office can be sneaky…

Would you respond like that if you weren’t lying? 🙂

Surprise questions can take a liar away from their rehearsed script – focus on observing sudden changes in their confidence, speed of speech, etc.

Lying (compared to telling the truth) has a big cognitive load due to making up a convincing story. Another strategy is to apply even more cognitive load to the already loaded (and lying) mind. You can start the conversation with them about how honest of a person they are in general – this may encourage them to be more honest in subsequent discussions.

A great way to observe the interplay between emotion and the cognitive load of recounting a fictional narrative, is to ask directly about emotions. Many people rehearse details but don’t plan ahead with how they’re going to respond emotional (i.e., pretend!).

You can tell a few lies as well (contribute to their lies) to get an even better understanding of their non-truth baseline personality. You can also ask them to relay a story you already know is true.

A liar cannot be both objective in their lie and emotional about its details at the same time.

Studies show that lying produces arousal due to the anxiety and guilt that liars ordinarily experience (unless they’re psychopaths)

Blinking often, speech disturbances, slips of tongue, pupil dilation, are common signs.

It’s all about looking at patterns, and then trying to determine if any disruptions in that pattern point to something interesting.

Chapter 5

Thin Slicing

Thin Slicing is finding patterns and predicting behavior using a small amount of data (relying on intuition). The key aspect is speed, as this happens subconsciously. In many cases, intuition (snap driven) decisions have better chance predicting a behavior than deliberate/conscious efforts, though our emotional state can affect the accuracy. Best way to read people: use both conscious and subconscious, and be aware when both are used and what trade-offs they have (e.g. biases, etc.)

Making Smart Observations

How people use words may give insights. Few questions to ask yourself:

Has the way someone has written a message to you made you think more about them?
Have you been convinced by someone who used some specific words?
Does the person use words to create an atmosphere of solidarity/closeness or are they trying to exclude you using the game of power?
Does the person imitate your language – repeat parts of phrases that you use? May indicate conformity and harmony.

People’s word choice can also give you some insight into their mental or physical health.

(Self-)Observing is not hard, you only have to do it consciously. Our default choice of words is a result of our character, biases, expectations, beliefs, and opinions:

Positive people avoid using words like “tired of it”/”hate it”/”sick of it”.
Liars tend to avoid phrases like “X did Y and that caused Z to…” because it’s complex to keep in mind (cognitive load).
If someone uses jargon when it’s not the time for it – they want to be considered smart.
Someone who uses the “royal we” wants to be on the same side with you vs someone who keeps using “me”/”myself”/”I”.
Using a phrase such as “I insulted him” vs “he is insulted” (avoid taking the blame).

Some questions we can ask:

How do they usually look on photographs?
Do they truly smile, or fake smile?
Do they care about how they dress/look, or not?
How much effort does it look like they put into their dressing style?

Forget about any “rules” about what are good clothes, sexy clothes, professional clothes and so on. It’s all relative. Instead, look at the person’s attire and how it fits with the surrounding environment. […] Though cultural factors need to be considered, a person who uses clothing to draw attention to their sexuality (especially in inappropriate contexts) is showing you that their sex appeal is a big part of their identity. Someone who wears predominantly work clothing, even outside work hours, is communicating that their identity is bound up with what they do for a living.

We can also infer a lot from people’s homes. In general, there are three categories that might give you more insights into their habits:

Objects that reveal their personality (e.g. cross around neck)
Objects that can be used to regulate emotions (e.g. picture of a loved one)
Behavioral objects (empty bottles in a corner, unfinished book net, etc.)

Guiding questions:

Is their home open for other people, or more closed?
What kind of pictures are hanging on the wall?
Is the house too clean (perhaps neurotic)?
Is there an excessive amount of something? E.g. if there are books, they like to read much.
Is the furniture minimalistic?
What do they spend money on, and what do they want other people to see in their homes?
What kind of music do they listen to? Wallet, shoes, photos, …

What do their choices tell you about how they see themselves, or how they might want to be seen by others? […] Reading a person’s life the way you read their body language or voice is not difficult—it just takes awareness. Observe everything. […] These little things can speak volume . . . if you’re listening.

People’s behavior online can also help paint the picture about them. Besides observing their word choice, observe at what time do they usually write posts. One research shows that nightbirds are more introverted, anxious, creative, narcissistic whereas those who go to bed before 10pm tend to be more social, extroverted.

[One research showed that] people on social networks usually show their true “I” rather than their ideal, depending on what kind of pictures they post, things they share, etc. […] As with any other information we might analyze to try to understand people, we need to bear in mind that it’s only a sliver of data (a thin slice) and that patterns are more important than isolated events. […] It’s worth remembering, also, that knowing about a person’s idealized character does actually tell you a lot about their current character […] “I would like you to see me as well-traveled.”

At the workplace: How do they handshake, do they hug/fistbump…

Asking questions (active observation)

This section on self-awareness had a significant impact on me, even though I was not initially aware of it.

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom – Aristotle

Of course, this book is not necessarily about self-awareness, but we know that the process of gaining self-awareness is similar to getting to read and analyze people better. It’s also just as difficult.

Asking questions allows us to infer some things about the person by extrapolating (estimating). Questions such as “What makes me happy?” is a direct question that one can ask oneself, and it increases self-awareness because it makes one come up with an answer out of nothing. These types of questions can help us form a good baseline of people. Besides asking questions: thoughts and intentions matter, but if they are not actionable, they are useless.

Through questioning others, we can reveal a lot:

What’s your greatest accomplishment? Career. Why does this person consider their career their greatest accomplishment? Because this requires independence, persistence, and determination – reveal the core values of this person.
What kind of a character would you create in a video game? Imagine they have specific points they can choose on charisma, intelligence, etc. This may reveal their ideal self.
- Related: “What traits are common in other people?”, may identify their general projections i.e. parts of themselves. “People are far more comfortable talking about certain traits in others than they are about talking directly about themselves.”
What charity would you donate to? Shows their views of the world, beyond just their personal life.
Which animal describes you the best? Did they choose herbivorous or carnivore, domestic or wild? This question adds depth and color to your understanding of that person.
What’s your favorite movie? The kind of stories/characters they like.

Hypothetical questions surround the defensive mechanism and let people honestly reveal useful information as they encourage people to think beyond predictable answers and stimulate familiar thoughts, revealing more about their desires, values. Read between the lines of the answers – critical thinking, evaluation, and thinking are key skills.

The best way to pose this question is as casually as possible. Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling for a serious answer

The quote above (and the entire book) provides strategies for reading people, but in my opinion, while it’s important to be aware of such strategies, we shouldn’t fully go along with the approach suggested in the quote. Instead, we should prioritize being natural and authentic. Genuine spontaneity doesn’t align well with the calculated approach of “don’t make it seem…”. Rather, focus on observing and interpreting information as it naturally unfolds.