I recently saw this book somewhere and decided to purchase it. Most of the concepts were already familiar, but I thought it was a nice and compact book containing many important concepts!
It contains an online assessment, an introductory chapter, and 66 strategies, each explained briefly in a few pages.
Emotional intelligence is something that can be learned and improved – it’s not “either you have it or you don’t”. Research shows that people improve their EQ most when the following conditions are present:
- They have a strong motivation to learn or change
- They practice new behaviors consistently – Practice repeatedly until better EQ behaviors become habits
- They seek feedback on their behavior
- They measure their progress
Emotional awareness and understanding are not taught in school. Good decisions require far more than factual knowledge. They are made using self-knowledge and emotional mastery when they’re needed most.
Basic emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, ashamed.
You are subject to a constant stream of emotions. The complexity of these emotions is revealed in their varying forms of intensity.
Personal Competence: Self-awareness (Know your emotions) > Self-management (Navigate your emotions)
Social Competence: Social awareness (Know others’ emotions) > Relationship management (Navigate relationships)
Personal Competence > Social Competence
Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one. You have no control over this part of the process. You do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion—as long as you are aware of it.
Self-awareness
To be self-aware is to know yourself as you are.
Getting to know yourself inside and out is a continuous journey of peeling back the layers of the onion and becoming more and more comfortable with what is in the middle—the true essence of you.
Strategies:
- Quit Treating Your Feelings as Good or Bad
- Instead, use them to understand yourself better.
- Observe the Ripple Effect from Your Emotions
- How does it affect the people around you?
- Lean into Your Discomfort
- Avoid avoidance.
- Feel Your Emotions Physically
- Everything psychological is physiological, and vice versa. Observe your body.
- Know Who and What Pushes Your Buttons
- Discover the source, as well as which buttons they push.
- Watch Yourself Like a Hawk . . .
- Understand (self) objectively.
- Keep a Journal about Your Emotions
- Understand your patterns, triggers.
- Don’t Be Fooled by a Bad Mood
- Once identified, be aware, not the best decision-making time.
- Don’t Be Fooled by a Good Mood, Either
- Once identified, be aware, easy to make foolish decisions.
- Stop and Ask Yourself Why You Do the Things You Do
- Trace emotions to origins.
- Visit Your Values
- Check-ins with your core beliefs and values.
- Check Yourself
- Your projections reflects your feelings reflects your looks.
- Spot Your Emotions in Books, Movies, and Music
- Resonating with it -> parallel with yours -> take closer look.
- Seek Feedback
- Merge perspectives for bigger picture.
- Get to Know Yourself under Stress
- Learn your physical reactions to stress and use them as extra detectors.
Self-management
Self-management is the ability to use awareness of your emotions to actively choose what you say and do.
A high level of self-management ensures you aren’t getting in your own way and doing things that limit your success. It also ensures you aren’t frustrating other people to the point that they resent or dislike you
Strategies:
- Breathe Right
- Deep vs Shallow breaths
- Create an Emotion vs. Reason List
- And integrate both
- Make Your Goals Public
- Helps with sharing accountability
- Count to Ten
- Pause before you react, especially when a strong emotion is identified
- Sleep On It
- Time+Patience provide clarity
- Talk To a Skilled Self-Manager
- Role models are highly influential
- Smile and Laugh More
- Body controls brain, happy body -> happier brain
- Set Aside Some Time in Your Day for Problem Solving
- 15 mins each day to only think
- Take Control of Your Self-Talk
- ~50k thoughts per day, mostly unaware, most influential are ones we are aware of – self-talk.
- Embrace positive self-talk: replace “always/never” with “sometimes” and “I’m an idiot” with “I made a mistake.”
- Take responsibility for your actions without blaming others.
- Visualize Yourself Succeeding
- Fully immerse yourself in constructive phantasies, when you engage in them
- Clean Up Your Sleep Hygiene
- Good sleep -> alert, focus, balanced mind.
- 20 mins of morning sunlight -> turn off computer 2 hours before sleep -> bed = sleep -> avoid coffee after pm
- Focus Your Attention on Your Freedoms, Rather than Your Limitations
- Take accountability for what you have control over
- Stay Synchronized
- Synchronize your body language with your emotions
- Speak to Someone Who is Not Emotionally Invested in Your Problem
- Avoid over-agreers, avoid over-disagreers
- Learn a Valuable Lesson from Everyone You Encounter
- Remain flexible, open-minded, relaxed, and ask, esp. in moments of frustration, “what can I learn from this?”
- Put a Mental Recharge into Your Schedule
- Exercise, ideally intensely, though yoga/massage/gardening also works.
- Try to find the right time, even though it can be challenging
- Accept That Change is Just around the Corner
- Set aside time to list potential changes—even if they never happen, anticipating them and planning your response makes you more flexible
Social awareness
Social awareness is about recognizing and understanding the moods of other individuals and entire groups of people. It is about looking outward, in contrast to self-awareness which is about looking inward. To be socially aware, the perspective must be clear, and one must be fully present. True awareness involves more than just seeing; it means engaging all your senses, including your emotions, as a powerful sixth sense.
To build your social awareness skills, you will find yourself observing people in all kinds of situations. You may be observing someone from afar while you’re in a checkout line, or you may be right in the middle of a conversation observing the person to whom you are speaking. You will learn to pick up on body language, facial expressions, postures, tone of voice, and even what is hidden beneath the surface, like deeper emotions and thoughts.
Strategies:
- Greet People by Name
- It feels good when people use your name and remember it – they acknowledged us
- Watch Body Language
- Head-to-toe body assessment: head (eye movement), facial expressions, shoulders (held upright?), torso, limbs (calm or fidgety?), posture
- Make Timing Everything
- Ask the right questions, at the right time, with the right frame of mind, keeping the audience in mind
- Develop a Back-pocket Question
- To bail out of awkward silences or uncomfortable moments
- Don’t Take Notes at Meetings
- Multi-tasking sacrifices quality, easy to miss details when we focus on note taking.
- Switch back-and-forth between note taking and observation.
- Plan Ahead for Social Gatherings
- You plan to attend X, but did you plan for X?
- Having a plan frees your mind to focus on the present.
- Clear Away the Clutter
- Be present, remove distractions, and focus on the person’s face and words instead of your inner voice when engaging. You are there to listen and learn something, not to wow the person.
- Live in the Moment
- Kids are really good at this, adults in contrast focus too much on the past/future.
- If you are at the gym, then be at the gym – if you catch yourself being elsewhere mentally, snap back to the present.
- Go on a 15-minute Tour
- Enjoy the journey, don’t rush to get from point A to point B. Walk around, notice your surroundings, just observe things you haven’t noticed before.
- Watch EQ at the Movies
- Art imitates life, plenty of info in the movies.
- Watch a movie to observe social cues to build up your social awareness. Character interactions, relationships, conflicts.
- Practice the Art of Listening
- Too basic to mention, but it is losing ground in society.
- “Telephone Game” – listening requires focus, not just about words but tone/speed/volume. What’s being said, what’s the hidden message, etc.
- “When your son asks you a question, put your laptop down and look at him while you respond”. Stay in the present moment.
- Go People Watching
- Sit back at the coffee shop and just observe people, what they order, notice people revealing their moods, pick up signals, observe interactions, all from a safe distance.
- Understand the Rules of the Culture Game
- You can’t interpret people’s (re)actions until you understand them “culturally” – learn their (ethnic/family/business/etc) culture and rules
- Test for Accuracy
- Even the most socially aware ppl have off days. Instead of assuming, just ask.
- Rather than “how are you” say “it looks like you’re feeling down, did something happen?”.
- State evidence and ask the question directly. Pick up on hints. Even if they lie, you show genuine care.
- Step into Their Shoes
- Actors do this for a living, channeling the same emotions/thoughts.
- They appreciate the characters they inhabit – even if it’s the bad guy.
- It’s not only for professional actors – we can also do this, especially if we want to gain perspective/deeper understanding.
- Put away your beliefs/emotions/thinking patterns and experience the situation as X – “If I were X, how would I respond?”. The more you practice and get feedback, the more comfortable you will be in one’s shoes.
- Seek the Whole Picture
- See yourself from the eyes of others, and gather the courage to seek feedback outwardly.
- Invite your fans, as well as your critics.
- Catch the Mood of the Room
- Two ways:
- Scan the room, notice the energy, how people behave, how they group, what’s your gut instinct saying?
- Bring a guide and shadow with them to learn from their observations.
- Two ways:
Relationship management
Relationship management is about maintaining and improving relationships with others.
Reality soon sets in that the honeymoon phase is officially over.
You use your self-awareness skills to notice your feelings and judge if your needs are being satisfied. You use your self-management skills to express your feelings and act accordingly to benefit the connection. Finally, you use your social awareness skills to better understand the other person’s needs and feelings.
Strategies:
- Be Open and Be Curious
- Relationship management is part of the job, even though not explicitly listed in the job description.
- Share information about yourself with others, but also be curious about them – engage with them, ask questions, etc.
- Take a few mins of your day to identify relationships that need some attention.
- Enhance Your Natural Communication Style
- Your communication style shapes your relationships.
- In a journal, describe your style – think about how your friends/family/coworkers experience it. Is it direct, indirect, comfortable, serious, entertaining, discreet, controlled, chatty, intense, curious, cool, intrusive?
- List upsides (people appreciating) and downsides (caused confusion/weird reactions/trouble). Choose three upsides to keep improving your communication, and three downsides to think about ways to eliminate/downplay/improve – be honest what you will or will not do.
- Avoid Giving Mixed Signals
- When stoplights stop working, intersections become every-man-for-himself, there’s confusion, who and when to cross, etc.
- Feelings express truth, and people trust what they see over what they hear. You confuse others when you say one thing but your body says another thing.
- Use self-awareness to identify your emotions, and self-management to decide which feelings to express and how.
- Remember the Little Things That Pack a Punch
- Habituate saying “thank you”, “please”, “I’m sorry”.
- Take Feedback Well
- Like a gift (unique perspective), but sometimes can surprise us.
- Self-awareness: what do I do when I’m on the spot and feel surprised? how do I show it?
- Self-management: what response should I choose?
- Regardless if you agree or not, listen carefully and then thank them.
- Take your time and use self-management skills to decide next actions.
- Build Trust
- Open communication, willingness to share, consistency in words/actions/behavior over time, following the rules of the relationship.
- Identify some relationships in your life for which trust can be improved.
- Have an “Open-door” Policy
- Be more accessible by showing people they can have unscheduled, informal conversations with you.
- Increased accessibility improves relationships.
- Only Get Mad on Purpose
- Aristotle: Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, this is not easy.
- Expressing anger at the right time communicates the gravity of the situation to people.
- Expressing anger at the wrong time can diminish its effect and people may not start to take you seriously.
- Write down what annoys you a little, what deeper, become more aware, determine when/how you should show it, and how will it affect the relationship (think about involved people and their responses)
- Don’t Avoid the Inevitable
- Don’t avoid tricky people relationships or tricky situations, use EQ skills to move forward
- Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings
- Lean into your own discomfort and acknowledge, not change other people’s feelings
- “I’m sorry, what can I do?” over “Work will get it off your mind”
- Validate feelings by listening intently and summarizing what you’ve heard back. This shows great listening skills, care, and interest.
- Complement the Person’s Emotions or Situation
- Complementing emotions means recognizing feelings without mirroring them, creating better interactions
- Listen -> Be present -> Put yourself in their shoes -> Identify where they are emotionally -> Choose appropriate complementary response
- When You Care, Show It
- There are people that do great work around you every day; when you care, show them that you care. Greeting card, cookies, etc.
- Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them
- An anecdote about being frightened during nighttime camping, just to see the beauty of daytime when there’s light.
- As adults, to support an idea, we need to understand why it was made. This helps bring light. Don’t expect others to just accept the idea; explain it to them, including alternatives.
- People appreciate openness and transparency; explain how the idea affects them.
- “Old habits die hard, since they’re ingrained in your brain’s wiring, it’s time to rewire”
- Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive
- Following legal guidelines isn’t what makes a feedback person-changing experience. Infusing it with EQ does.
- Constructive Feedback = Sharing your opinions + potential solutions
- Giving feedback requires all four EQ skills
- Self-awareness: Identify your feelings about the feedback
- Self-management: Decide what you’ll do with the information
- Social awareness: Think of the person who’s receiving feedback (are they sensitive, sugarcoating, etc.)
- Relationship management: Focus on solving the problem rather than criticizing the person.
- Align Your Intention with Your Impact
- Positive intentions are important, but they must align with the actual impact of your actions.
- To align your words/actions with your intent, observe the situation/people (social awareness), think before you speak (self-awareness), make an appropriate response (self-management).
- On paper, describe the incident, your intentions, actions, and the impact. Reflect on what you missed, what you’ve learned, and what you could have done differently.
- Offer a “Fix-it” Statement during a Broken Conversation
- Airline agents attempt to fix a broken experience with tools such as vouchers, or rebooking.
- Broken conversation: Stuck going around in circles.
- Let go of blame and focus on repair: no matter who said what or where it’s started, just fix it.
- Self-awareness helps you see what you contribute (being right vs solving a problem), self-management to put your tendencies aside and choose the high road, social awareness to identify what the other person brought or feels.
- Fix-it statements are neutral in tone and find common ground.
- Tackle a Tough Conversation
- Common ground: Start the conversation by highlighting what you agree on to create a collaborative tone.
- Understand their perspective: Ask open-ended questions to clarify their side, as people value feeling heard.
- Avoid planning your response while listening: Your brain can’t fully process their words and formulate a rebuttal simultaneously.
- Explain your perspective: After understanding their side, calmly and respectfully share your thoughts.
- Keep the conversation moving forward: Even if you still disagree, someone needs to steer the discussion toward a constructive outcome.
- Follow up afterward: Tough conversations often require further attention to ensure resolutions happen.
- Approach the discussion with a mindset of cooperation, avoiding defensiveness and focusing on solutions.
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